After Walt Disney died in 1966, a rumor circulated that his body had been cryogenically frozen. I wouldn't want to be running The Mouse House were he to thaw out and watch Race to Witch Mountain, a remake of the 1975 live-action film Escape to Witch Mountain.

We're not talking about defacing a masterpiece. Walt probably wouldn't have been too thrilled with the original either. But what does it say when the handsome, genial guy formerly known as The Rock is, if not the movie's salvation, then certainly the best thing about Race to Witch Mountain?

Dwayne Johnson doesn't want to be called The Rock anymore, and the financial success of The Game Plan earned him the right to ditch the moniker. Alas, keeping this falsely frenetic and rather cheap-looking family adventure aloft is too tall an order for the football player-turned-wrestler-turned-actor -- no matter what name he goes by.

The most obvious sign the picture doesn't feel comfortable in its own skin is its rapid pace, as though, if things slowed down audience members might catch on and walk out. After a title montage about the history of UFO sightings and related cover-ups, the chase begins and never really ends. No viewer will require a more leisurely pace in order to put the pieces together; it's a case of the movie not believing in itself and not trusting even the most focused viewer to stick with it.

In contrast, Johnson looks very comfortable -- much more so than he did as a gridiron superstar in The Game Plan. He's at ease reeling off serviceably sarcastic lines. Refraining from hamming it up too much, he's low-key and natural, whereas the film he's trying to carry is rote and unconvincing.

Johnson plays Jack Bruno, a Las Vegas taxi driver who finds a pair of alien siblings who call themselves Sara and Seth (AnnaSophia Robb & Alexander Ludwig) trembling in the back seat of his cab. They have good reason to be afraid. Their space ship crash-landed in the dessert and an extraterrestrial assassin that looks like the love child of Iron Man and the Creature from the Black Lagoon is after them. A Department of Defense team dressed in all black and led by the officious Burke (Ciaran Hinds) is also on their tail.

In their favor, the kids possess some amazing powers and have The Rock to protect them. Will it be enough to get them out of this jam? You bet. To the point that meeting up with an astrophysicist (Carla Gugino) in town to address a convention of UFO enthusiasts (she's belittled for insisting there's scientific proof for the existence of other life forms in the universe) is unnecessary.

The stakes are as high as can be of course. Seth and Sara's planet is dying and time is running out. Their military industrial complex wants to invade Earth, annihilate humankind and resettle. Their scientist father has developed a method of regenerating their environment, but unless the blond, robotic youths can retrieve their spaceship, being held by the government at Witch Mountain, all will be lost. Literally. Another complication is that Jack has been a wheelman for a local thug who's reluctant to let him go legit. However, this subplot fizzles when the criminal's henchmen prove to be no match for Star Wars fanboys and other outer space geeks.

It's okay for the movie not to care about the aliens for their own sake -- saving the human race trumps all other motivations -- but it's shameful that the two teenage actors are allowed to give such stiff performances. Their delivery is stilted far beyond what's necessary; plus, their lines are so bad, you'd suppose the filmmakers didn't think we could grasp a concept as wildly unfamiliar as aliens taking human form. To wit, "Jack Bruno, it would appear we have not eluded them."

The special effects are equally chintzy (apparently, UFOs really do look like flying saucers or tricked-out Frisbees) and there's quite a bit more violence than ticket-buyers may expect from a PG-rated film. In the small role of a UFO crackpot, Garry Marshall does add a dollop of Borscht Belt humor to the stereotypical ride. 

During their tearful goodbye, Seth and Sara tell Jack that they'll be "only a wormhole away," thus setting up a sequel. It will bring a smile to Walt's (frozen?) face if Race to Witch Mountain makes that kind of money. I, for one, was counting the minutes until the two extraterrestrials were launched back into the stratosphere and will do my utmost to skip any return voyage.

(Released by Walt Disney Pictures and rated "PG" for sequences of action and violence, frightening and dangerous situations and some thematic elements.)