Greetings, ReelTalk visitors. A.J. Hakari here, and today, I bring you an exclusive interview with everyoneís favorite childhood nightmare, the Boogeyman. He lurks in your closets, he hides under your beds, and today, in conjunction with the release of Screen Gemsí Boogeyman, the B-Man himself is sitting down for a little chat.
A.J.: Thanks for joining us today, Mr. Boogeyman.
B.M.: Eh, no problem. Iím always williní to do somethiní for the fans.
A.J.: Now over the years, youíve managed to scare kids everywhere with a couple of techniques that havenít varied much.
B.M.: Yeah, Iíve got a soft spot for the classics. And the B&C approach is always a good one.
B.M.: Yeah, Bed & Closet. Sweet hiding places. But the kids are getting jaded these days, so hopefully in the next business quarter, weíre gonna make a huge impact when we expand into the online market.
A.J.: Ooo, sounds cool! And speaking of branching out, letís talk about your movie.
B.M.: Oh, geez, do we have to?
A.J.: Hm. I take it you werenít too pleased with how Boogeyman turned out?
B.M.: Nah, no way. They got the story totally wrong, man. The movie was nowhere near as scary as the real situation it's based on.
A.J.: Really? Maybe it would be better to tell us what the movie is about before giving your analysis.
B.M.: Letís seeÖOkay, so the flickís based upon one of my scarings from a few years back. There was this dude, Tim, played by Barry Watson here, whose dad I drug back to Boogeyland when he was a kid. Years later, Tim grew a lot more paranoid, and everyone kept telling him that I was a figment of his imagination. But after a death in the family brought him back to his home town, he had to face me, man to Boogeyman, once and for all.
A.J.: That doesnít sound very exciting to me.
B.M.: Tell me about it. They couldíve made a movie about the time I terrified that sorority pool party, but noooooÖThe studio had to play it safe and make a dumbed-down PG-13 movie for the kids to see. Just look at how they made me look, for Godís sake! I'm a stinkiní video game zombie in the movie -- when everyone knows I actually look like Roseanne on a bad day.
A.J.: Yikes! That's really frightening. But I thought some horror films worked out just fine without the benefit of blood, guts, or nudity.
B.M.: True, but those movies were designed with atmosphere as the top priority. Halloween and Blair Witch werenít about the red stuff, man, they were about working in shadows to scare the bejeebers out of people. I, on the other hand, can be left to the minds of kids to imagine, but if Iím gonna be in a movie, I want at least a little blood in there with me, something to keep the environment tense and exciting, ya know? Not some half-hearted attempt at being both a creepy horror flick and a psychological thriller.
A.J.: Sound like you're displeased with Stephen T. Kayís directing approach. Right?
B.M.: Absolutely. Too watered-down, too flashy, too confusing, and too slow. Iím not that tough of a nut to crack, dude. Iím the Boogeyman who hides in closets and takes away kids! Itís not that hard to make a good horror movie out of that premise.
A.J.: Good point. But what about the acting?
B.M.: Feh. Watson did okay, but everyone else gave flat performances in unforgettable roles. I know horror flicks arenít all about deep characterizations to begin with, but geez...
A.J.: Better watch out, Mr. Boogeyman! You're beginning to sound like a critic now.
B.M.: Well, dude, when youíve seen as many bad horror movies as I have, you tend to get pretty analytical. Like Darkness, man. What a stinker!
A.J.: Indeed. Well, that about wraps it up for our interview. Is there anything else youíd like to say to movie fans out there?
B.M.: Yeah, just a little side note. Sam Raimiís company, Ghost House, produced Boogeyman, and coming soon is a remake of Raimiís own Evil Dead. We canít allow this to happen, people! Light the torches! Pick up the axes! Write your Congressman! Donít let them ruin a horror classic!
(At this point in the interview, security guards drag Mr. Boogeyman away.)
A.J.: Er...um, sorry, ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of ReelTalk, I apologize for any problems this interview might have caused you.
MY RATING: * Ĺ (out of ****)
(Released by Screen Gems and rated "PG-13" for intense sequences of horror, terror/violence and some partial nudity.)
Review also posted on www.ajhakari.com.