If you think an adventurer, an invisible man, a vampiress, Tom Sawyer, a magic-carpet pirate, Dr. Jekyll and an immortal man out to save his soul could all take part in an exciting adventure -- think again. These characters make up the team of inconceivable players in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, a film that definitely moves Sean Connery into the League of I Need a Paycheck.

Connery puts little effort into his role as adventurer Allan Quatermain, a gunslinger the audience knows nothing about except that he has been told he will never die as long as he remains in Africa. So he spends his days in a saloon, dodging people who come looking for him by having another man pretend to be him.

When he is summoned to England to defeat an oppressor who wishes to control the world, Quartermain meets his other notable brethren and they learn about each other's good and bad traits.

The magic-carpet pirate is Captain Nemo (Naseeruddin Shah), a scientist, freedom fighter and inventor. His quest is for freedom. His inventor status emerges as probably the most ridiculous element of the story, which takes place in 1899. The League has only 96 hours to save the world from destruction, and when they can't figure out how they can get from England to Paris in that amount of time, Nemo saves the day. He has the Nautilus, a palatial sleek submarine with the eminence of a world class cruise ship, the speed of a 20th century navy vessel and so slim it can glide through the canals of Venice with little stir. And we learn all this after he arrives in England in a modern looking Batmoblie. 1899? Hmm.

Peta Wilson plays vampire Mina Harker, a sweet looking woman who can chomp on a neck and suck it dry quicker than a Bounty picker-upper. Although there's information in the press kit (and probably in the comic book from which the film is adapted) about how this character came to be attacked by Dracula, the movie offers no explanations at all.

Rodney Skinner (Tony Curran) is a thief, aided by his invisibility. How convenient that he can only be seen when he dons clothes. But he doesn't seem to have the wits to match his fortune -- or misfortune -- as in one scene he stands naked in the snow complaining about the cold.

Dorian Gray (Stuart Townsend) is the immortal, although we have no idea how he came to be that way. Again, explanations about his past are in the press notes, but none made it into the script.

When American Secret Service Agent Tom Sawyer (Shane West) shows up to join the group, his appearance raises serious questions. How he knew about it, who sent him and what assets he possessed (other than being able to shoot a 22) are all total mysteries. Sawyer and Quartermain form a bond, something that has to do with the death of Quartermain's son, another link that is never revealed.

Jason Flemyng as Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde has the daunting task of changing into an enormous costume to become Hyde, who wants to kill everyone in sight. When he first enters the scene, it seems he's a wild animal out of control, but soon he reveals a batch of potions that enable him to control his Jekyll and Hyde transformations. So why the beginning outrage?

Supposedly, the League discovers it's dangerous to deny a monster his pleasures. But what's really revealed is that you can't make an enjoyable film by throwing together seven totally obscure characters from history's time warp without any explanation about how they got there and their motivations for wanting to save the world. And those trailer ads that shout, "It's as good as Raiders of the Lost Ark?" Not even close.

While I haven't read "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" comic book series, I imagine the believability quotient in that format probably works. And it might have worked in a film featuring a better script and some cohesiveness.

The movie's worst transgressions involve the plausibility of all those gadgets out of their place in time, too many conveniences for plot purposes, and an undefined story. Add in the twists of characters changing the side of good or evil they're on throughout the confusing story, and I found myself in the League of I Want Out of Here. 

(Released by 20th Century Fox and rated "PG-13" for intense sequences of fantasy violence, language and innuendo.)