Poorly conceived and executed by filmmakers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, Epic Movie is a pathetic attempt at parodying recent box office hits. Scenes making fun of popular films like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Chronicles of Narnia, Pirates of the Caribbean, X-Men, Talledega Nights, Lord of the Rings, Snakes on a Plane, and The Da Vinci Code come across as dull, uninspired and barren of laughs.   

In this disappointing comedy, Edward (Kal Penn), Susan (Faune Chambers), Lucy (Jayma Mays) and Peter (Adam Campbell) are orphans who bear no relation to one another, but they each find a golden ticket hidden inside chocolate bar wrappers placed there by Willy Wonka (Crispin Glover). Willy promises those lucky enough to find the tickets a tour of his factory and an epic adventure they will never forget. Of course, he has ulterior motive for issuing the invites. His plans? To chop the orphans into a million pieces and harvest their vital organs for use as the essential ingredient in an experimental new candy recipe.

When Willy leaves the orphans in a room, they decide they must find a place to hide to ensure their survival. While searching, Lucy enters a room containing an old wardrobe. She’s astonished to discover the wardrobe is a gateway leading to the Kingdom of Gnarnia, where a faun named Mr. Tumnus (Hector Jimenez) invites her to his den. It seems that the White B____ (rhymes with witch), played by Jennifer Coolidge, used black magic to take over Gnarnia a century earlier, placing it under a spell of perpetual winter.

The only way to topple this female villain's regime is if four humans, legitimate heirs to the throne, enter into Gnarnia and work together to defeat her. To ensure this never occurs, Gnarnia’s inhabitants have been instructed to hand over any humans they encounter. The sorceress can then dispose of them before they pose a threat to her. Although Mr. Tumnus originally intended to betray Lucy, he risks his own life instead by informing her of the danger and leading her back toward the wardrobe.

Later, Edward also stumbles into Gnarnia after entering the wardrobe looking for a secure hiding place. He encounters Coolidge’s character, who asks him if he has any brothers or sisters. Upon learning about the other orphans, the villain kidnaps Edward, hoping to lure his siblings into a trap when they enter Gnarnia looking for him.

In order to free Edward and take their rightful place as kings and queens of Gnarnia, our heroes must first master training in witchcraft from instructors Harry Potter (Kevin McDonald) and a pregnant Hermione Granger (Christa Flanagan). Upon completion of these lessons, they have to find Aslo (Fred Willard), a man crossed with a lion, and enlist him to lead Gnarnia into battle. 

All four leads look uncomfortable with the characters they play here as well as with the ridiculous dialogue written by Friedberg and Seltzer (who also co-direct). Epic Movie received heavy promotion as being created by two of the six writers behind Scary Movie. Those other scribes probably had the good sense not to participate in this incredible mess.

(Released by Twentieth Century Fox and rated "PG-13" for crude and sexual humor, language and comedic violence.)